Someone asked me tonight

Someone asked me tonight if Nico and I live together and were surprised to learn we have our own spaces just one minute apart. Relationships fall apart in two primary ways: losing yourself or losing the bond.

To prevent that, Nico and I practice what I call Relational Hygiene. For us, that means tending to two things with devotion: the relationship we have with each other the relationship we have with ourselves Enmeshment (merging, co-dependency etc.) is a relational pattern where boundaries between people become blurred, and individuals lose their sense of separate identity in the relationship Enmeshment is one of the major patterns that destabilizes relationships, so one of the ways we stay grounded in ourselves is by having separate spaces and often sleeping on our own. Wanna geek out with me for a moment? Sleeping separately at times can actually strengthen a relationship. Sleep research shows that many partners rest better alone, which improves emotional regulation, empathy, and conflict resolution. Attachment science shows that secure relationships benefit from healthy autonomy. Bowen’s work on differentiation highlights how maintaining your own space protects the relationship from fusion and burnout. Couples therapy research, including Gottman and EFT, notes that strategic separateness lowers stress, prevents conflict spirals, and restores connection. In short, taking space, even in where you sleep, can support regulation, sovereignty, and a stronger bond.